Two

Does anyone still read this? I didn't think so, but my heart is about to burst, so writing is necessary. Leeland is two today. All of the emotions that I keep in check on a daily basis have erupted in an ugly way. I have made a conscious decision to wake up everyday and focus on the eternal, the good, the promise of a life that while hard, is not walked through alone. After Leeland was born, 2 Corinthians 4:18 became my go to, repeat to myself ALL DAY verse. "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." It comforts me and helps me during the hard times. There are a lot of hard times!  It is sort of what keeps me from updating this blog. I sometimes feel the urge to get on here and vent about my weekly nightmare trips to the grocery store with Leeland or talk about why some of the petty things I hear people complain about make me want to scream. The daily (multiple) seizures, meds, contacts/glasses, physical limitations, mental limitations, braces, doctor visits, therapy, etc.  It is all overwhelming. I really do feel like God's sculpting me. Changing me for the good.  And I don't feel like clay, I'm more like play doh. And I'm getting squished and stretched and squeezed through the spaghetti tool thing and it HURTS!  In the moments at Publix when I have 5 people in 30 minutes tell me "awe he's asleep" and all I want to do is explain that he's legally blind, and he just had a seizure, and he had major brain surgery and the lights bother him, and you're the 5th person that's told me that; I think about making a sign for him to wear around his neck that explains his limitations. The labels that "define" him according to society. Then I think, good grief, that is the stupidest thing ever. In the middle of my inner turmoil, I hear God whisper "give grace."  So I try.  I struggle with putting this sculpting process out there for everyone to see on my blog, not because I'm afraid of being transparent, but because I honestly don't feel like I can convey it all on paper. There is an ongoing book being written in my head about my life, weird I know, but it's just something i do.  God has used these past two years to make so many parts of my life book make sense. I would love to put it all out there, the way this AMAZING story is unfolding. He is constantly revealing it to me in jaw dropping knock your socks off kinds of ways. "That was a God thing" is a recurring theme.  Leelands's chapter was supposed to be a part of my story all along. It is complicated though and difficult to put into words.  So today, on Leeland's second birthday, what I do want to say is it has been a hard day, a sad day. And a day where I focused more on the "seen" than I should have.